Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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