I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize