Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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