Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
