pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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