i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
