I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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