you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize