I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
