He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
