My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
