A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I need to calm my uterus...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
