A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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