I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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