I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
