I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize