No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
