i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
