I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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