What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
