I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
