This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
