I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
