Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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