I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
