giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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