I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
