just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
