I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Randomize
