took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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