The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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