Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
