Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
