If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
