walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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