you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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