we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
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