I just saw a hot homeless man
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
