stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The air was thick with penises
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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