just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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