this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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