Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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