My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
