You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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