Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
