Kareoke will never be a sober sport
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
