We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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