I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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