I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
