No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
