matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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