I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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