I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
dude. I can hear the air.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
