I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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