the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
