Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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