you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
