it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
